Organizing my thoughts lately has been a challenge; I have been so busy and so exhausted that by the end of the day I do not know what my thoughts are anymore. God has been so faithful, even when I crumbled under the hurt and pain that I couldn’t deny nor hold back any longer. It’s still a struggle knowing the healing isn’t instant, that one day I will wake up and it will all be okay. Yes, I am another statistic according the world’s standards but I don’t want this to define me, I don’t want it to become my identity.
God has gently whispered His promises in my ear along the way…there was one night where I was done…I couldn’t take another step, didn’t want to face another day and He reminded that in the midst of all of THIS I had many blessings in my life, blessing that He placed there, and it is those blessings that help me look to another day.
Two things He has been showing is forgiveness and contentment…
Being content is… I guess easier than forgiveness, I read in my devotional a couple of weeks ago “Contentment is learned and cultivated. It is an attitude of the heart. It has nothing to do with material possessions or life’s circumstances. It has everything to do with being in the center of God’s will and knowing it” No matter how it has been and no matter how badly I want to flee (and some you do know how much I want to flee) I know I am where I am supposed to be.
Forgiveness: This is where my struggle is, a battle I face every day in my heart… the Lord has gently been telling me that forgiveness is not for the other person but for me. The struggle is that I view forgiveness as telling the person who has done wrong that what they did was okay and I can’t do that because what he did was not okay… it hurt to the very center of my being and still continues to do so, the fact that I am paying for the consequences of his actions, I had no say in any of it and I am the one hurting!!! I understand having to face the consequences of my own actions but this… it was out of my hands.
Pray for me as I seek God for the answers…as I let go of the pain and anger, that I let my guard down… I don’t know what is worse having a wall up and just being hurt… or allowing God to do His work which means the wall comes down and I open myself up to the possibility of being hurt and disappointed again… I know I don’t want the wall up…I am just tired of the pain.
