My Thoughts for Today

Organizing my thoughts lately has been a challenge; I have been so busy and so exhausted that by the end of the day I do not know what my thoughts are anymore. God has been so faithful, even when I crumbled under the hurt and pain that I couldn’t deny nor hold back any longer. It’s still a struggle knowing the healing isn’t instant, that one day I will wake up and it will all be okay. Yes, I am another statistic according the world’s standards but I don’t want this to define me, I don’t want it to become my identity.

God has gently whispered His promises in my ear along the way…there was one night where I was done…I couldn’t take another step, didn’t want to face another day and He reminded that in the midst of all of THIS I had many blessings in my life, blessing that He placed there, and it is those blessings that help me look to another day.

Two things He has been showing is forgiveness and contentment…

Being content is… I guess easier than forgiveness, I read in my devotional a couple of weeks ago “Contentment is learned and cultivated. It is an attitude of the heart. It has nothing to do with material possessions or life’s circumstances. It has everything to do with being in the center of God’s will and knowing it” No matter how it has been and no matter how badly I want to flee (and some you do know how much I want to flee) I know I am where I am supposed to be.

Forgiveness: This is where my struggle is, a battle I face every day in my heart… the Lord has gently been telling me that forgiveness is not for the other person but for me. The struggle is that I view forgiveness as telling the person who has done wrong that what they did was okay and I can’t do that because what he did was not okay… it hurt to the very center of my being and still continues to do so, the fact that I am paying for the consequences of his actions, I had no say in any of it and I am the one hurting!!! I understand having to face the consequences of my own actions but this… it was out of my hands.

Pray for me as I seek God for the answers…as I let go of the pain and anger, that I let my guard down… I don’t know what is worse having a wall up and just being hurt… or allowing God to do His work which means the wall comes down and I open myself up to the possibility of being hurt and disappointed again… I know I don’t want the wall up…I am just tired of the pain.

Life

I don't even know where to begin!

I never thought it would hurt so much... I never thought it would be so hard. Something that I had no control of, that no one asked me what I wanted, when they say that they did it for us or waited as long as they did but it doesn't feel like they did because it hurts so much, and they go with their lives while I am struggling to catch my breath, and face the reality of it all...

Right now I am riding the waves of my emotions, some are closer than others, this past week I have felt like I have been running on empty, not knowing what I want or what I want to do, I hate feeling like that...I know what I need , I just need to patient and wait, waiting is not something I do well, but wait I must! The urge to flea is great, but I know that God has me where I am for now, running away wont solve anything anyway!

There are many more things I am processing in my heart and head...

But I will leave you with a link to blog that spoke straight to my heart:

http://ccfoley.blogspot.com/

Nothing Else To Do

Since I have nothing else to do....

I have been fighting a cold all week!

Two mornings this week I was at work before the sun!

One more week and I will start my spring break vacations... Yes I get two sorta one week I have school and no work the other I have no school and have work!!!:p

I really want to go to Disneyland again!!!!!!!!

One of my classes is almost done!!!

Ummmm I can't think anymore!!!!

Wonderful Weekend

I had a very wonderful weekend!!!! I wish It doesn't have to end!!! I was able to do one of my most favorite things in the whole world.... Play with 3 extremly cute kids who have me wrapped around their cute little fingers!!!!!!
So now its back to work tomorrow...2 more weeks and spring break will be here woohooo!!!!

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]

Waiting!!

God has called me to wait on Him, Isaiah 40:28-31 He hasn’t just called to sit and wait but to actively wait in serving Him, I don’t wait very well I’m the girl who likes to get things done, dig in and find the simplest, fastest solution to a problem, but I cant do that with what I have labeled the new normal and its not going to be fast and easy!!! There is no easy fast way out, for the longest time I was looking for the emergency exit! I wanted out as fast as possible as far away from the pain as possible, but God had other ideas, over and over again He has called me to wait, but its been hard because when I wait the pain is there… I was watching a movie that had this song in it and I have been listening to it since… Its my hearts desire that as I wait for Him I can boldly serve Him!!

While I’m Waiting Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24
John Waller “The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… “even while (you) wait.
”I’m waitingI’m waiting on You, LordAnd I am hopefulI’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will waitI will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting I will serve You
While I’m waiting I will worship
While I’m waiting I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I waitI’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, LordAnd I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, LordThough it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will waitYes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord
© 2007 Travelin’ Zoo Music (ASCAP) (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing)

He Knows Best

It has already been a long week and it is only Wednesday!!!

I have many thoughts and emotions going on in my head right now!!!

Today was a wonderfully long day!!! But I needed today so badly, it was a rough day at work with one of my students, then one of my wonderful friends needed me to watch her kids, so I spent the rest of the day with her kids, it was so nice especially since her baby girl was soo cuddly, I knew I had other things I should have been doing, but have a cuddle bug all afternoon was just what I needed!!!! God always knows best, even when it is hard and you dont know if you will make it through to the next hour because the pain is like a storm, He knows best and His best is what is best for us no matter how much we may want things to change!

Trusting His Best for My Life!!!

Stressed and Emotional Not A Good Combination

So school started for me again today and I am beyond stressed and I have only gone to two of my five classes!!! Yes five classes I don’t have a choice unless someone wants to pay for the increase I will have in my car insurance!!!! Not only has school started but it’s also about that time of the month and my emotions are all over the place! I want to excel in school but I also want to excel at my job and I am afraid I can’t do both without losing my mind!!! There are already times when I feel as if I am failing as a teacher that I am not offering my students enough opportunities to thrive and learn! I know I am probably too hard on myself, but I am a perfectionist and I beat myself up for every tiny mistake, I guess I expect myself to be perfect and never make a mistake, I can’t do something with my full attention and devote the proper amount of time it deserves than I rather not do it!! That where I am at right now, it’s not that I don’t want to go to school I just want to do my best and devote as much time as possible without losing my mind!!!! Pray for me as I face another semester of school and working!!!!!!!!